i had a crazy experience in Zion NP in Utah 2 days ago…i did a 5 hour hike
up this mountain, got to the top, it was pretty steep and i was kinda exhausted before the top, i briefly
hyperventilated..but kept going cause i’m a tough chick and wanna climb a
little mountain..soon as i got to the top i got dizzy and fell faint..i
tried to hike down as fast as i could, thinking i could catch some
distance, but soon fell short to the ground in spasms and lost it..sarah
held my head,, all i could see was my hands tightening up like lobster
claws..my throat tightened and i couldn’t speak, barely breathe..it was
nuts to feel like i wanted to speak but couldn’t.it was the worst feeling
ever, like i was swelling up and fighting every breath.. luck was on my
side though..this one woman and her husband came by ..elevation sickness and dehydration, panic
attack maybe?….they elevated my legs and tried to keep me
conscious..i was slipping..i remember looking into her eyes and struggling
to find the words to ask her not to leave me and get me down the
mountain..i remember crying a little and seeing her eyes well up. i
remember looking into the eyes of people, that was all i could see, but
that was enough. i didn’t know what was happening to me.. two other women
who i took photos of on the way up, came over…luck on my side again,
they were doctors! imagine that… i struggled to eat m&m’s. and down some water…turned over to
puke..i could get nothing down..i thought i might be having a seizure, a
severe panic attack…i have never felt such intense fear and pain.. they
tried to just keep me calm and breathe..i tried to relax…i was
embarrassed by people seeing me in such a vulnerable state..but i was
humbled real fast.. it was pretty hard to hear everyone talking about me
and what to do.it made me real nervous to hear them talk about me in 3rd
person, though i couldn’t move i could hear everything..and do nothing. i
was stripped of all my functions. you know i am lucky when a man and his
daughter come by and happen to have some rope…they couldn’t get me help
unless i got down the mountain…so yours truely was carried by 5 people in
a rope harnass down zion steep cliffs. i remember thinking i was a pussy,
that this happened to me..i remember not thinking about anything except if
i could just get down the mountain..they had to split off halfway down to
get emergency crew for me when i arrived..so i was on the backs of sarah and one doctor…

i remember trying to speak and the pain shooting out of my hands
as i struggled to breathe and open them….they were purple. i tried to
make jokes.. EMT was there with an ambulance when i arrived..and in a
flash all the beautiful women were gone..the people that i shared such an
intense moment with had disappeared..it was just two men in
uniforms-rangers..who were asking all kinds of questions like what day it
was and my name, if i do drugs… it hurt to force the words out..cause i
so bad wanted to just go to sleep…they had to keep me awake…i remember
telling sarah i didn’t want to go on the ambulance cause i didn’t have
insurance…and i was feeling better at the lower elevation..i paced in
that area for quite some time on sarah’s shoulder to see if i could get
better enough to just rest and not go with these men
anywhere…they waited..they took my vital status and they said i was
doing better..they concluded i had it all..elevation sickness, dehydration
and then perhaps a panic attack due to the experience. i was able to sign
off no to ambulance and they gave me a ride to my campsite.
i slept for the rest of the night.

i am not sure how to express the intensity of it all…i remember crying
for the rest of the night..all i could say was i am so happy to be alive.
i could see the squirrels playing and the green trees and feel the warm
sun, i layed there for hours..i thought of the women’s eyes i
looked into..if i close my eyes now i can still see them staring back,
assuring me that i would be okay, that they would get me off that
mountain..and the beauty in people everywhere..and the luck of something
on my side…

so here i am in utah! live and kicking..with a new perspective on life,
being saved on a mountain will surely change things..

i’m still kinda sick and tired from such a crazy event..but i of course am
a crazy girl, and ended up in salt lake city utah last night at 8pm. and
wanted to have a drink to unwind from the intensity..it has been hard to
shake that feeling, cause it is so fresh…ended up in a tavern that had a
movie theatre inside…packed with locals. with real cool people and performed “Cocytus” for them…that was pretty hard but i
wanted to make a come back after my zion experience..prove to no one but
myself that i could rise again..i did..

i’m here in a library..just watched a crazy animal liberation of cruelty
video series..made me sick to my stomach again…especially when they
showed a monkey electrically ejaculated..for some
stupid test…i almost puked..

maybe i’m detoxing a whole lifetime of impurities…maybe i’m just
figuring some stuff out…